Well here I sit yet again, it's a Saturday night and I'm supposed to be absolutely twisted right now but due to the unique way in which my wallet operates, I'm skint and can't go out to play.
So, with nothing else to do, due to popular demand, let us continue!
11. T9 Dictionary is a sneaky cunt.
Have you ever been using predictive text and innocently sent what you thought was a message that made total sense, until of course you get the text back saying "The fuck!?". I have. It's a sneaky little bollocks of a thing and can turn the most innocent of texts into obscenities that 90% of the time seem to hint towards me being gay. For example! I was once getting food in Supervalue, there was a large queue and it was taking a while, my lift outside texts me telling me to hurry up, this is what I intended the text to say... "Hold on a minute, I'm in a really long queue". What the text ACTUALLY read however was "Hold on a minute, I'm in a really long Steve", needless to say, hilarity ensued! Of course there's other ones it randomly decides to throw out too like changing "family" to "fanny" and "summer" to "stoner". Fuck you predictive text, stop trying to out me!
12. Deer's arses look like badgers faces.
I don't know the name of the breed of deer, but they exist! Nothing makes you question just how much weed you've smoked until you're sitting on a couch watching some nature documentary about what appear to be badgers, but NO! The badgers are actually the arses of a herd of deer! They turn around and blow your mind, I dunno how this happened, maybe there's some cross breeding going on, maybe a badger raped a shedload of deer, maybe I was stoned and hallucinated or maybe it was actually just a dream, cause I can't seem to find anything like what I'm talking about on Google...
13. My mind is playing tricks on me.
A few weeks back I realised that my brain may hate me, as it's trying to fuck with me, big time! Recently, I was sitting happily at my computer, turned the tv on, bit of Facebook chat and some quality programming on tv, nice way to relax! I scroll through the tv stations and decide to throw on "Spartacus: Blood And Sand", great show! So, I watch away happily for about 15 minutes, yes, FIFTEEN fucking minutes, when I realised it wasn't Spartacus I was watching at all, but Sex And The City! I genuinely believed for 15 minutes that it was just a really weird episode of Spartacus, it's like a retard molested my mind and dick dented my brain. What the fuck is happening to me!?
14. The erection note.
I have managed to discover a note in music a lot like "The Brown Noise", which of course is said to make people crap their pants upon hearing it. When you hear said note (I'm not quite sure exactly what it is, but I plan to get someone really good at musical theory to listen for me and tell me) it causes you to pitch a tent in your pants, immediately! I don't know what it is about this specific note, I don't know any biological science behind me, all I do know is that it appears 3 times in the solo of A Gunshot To The Head Of Trepidation by Trivium. Until recently I thought the erection note could only be played with an instrument, however after hearing Foo Fighter's new album I discovered you can also sing in the key of the erection note, as Dave Grohl does in the song Dear Rosemary when he sings "You are, you are, you ARE!" the last "are" in the chorus is in the key of boner.
15. Ghost loads.
Ghost loads are one of the most beautiful mysteries of our lives. Basically, for those of you who are unaware of what a ghost load is, it's when a guy reaches the point of climaxing and experiences the sensation of orgasm but does not ejaculate. I find ghost loads only tend to occur after you have ejaculated multiple times already during the day, I tend to get to the ghost load at about wank number 8 or 9. They're by far the best of the lot because there's no mess to clean up afterwards, and it's much more of a challenge to actually get to the point of orgasm, therefore your arm gets a great work out and you build up a massive sweat, it's great for cardio exercise! It's a beautiful mystery, not unlike the Phantom Poop.
16. Bastarding clichés in horror films.
For the love of God and all that is holy, horror films... STOP HAVING THE SCARY THINGS POP UP IN REFLECTIONS! For Christ sake, as all my friends know, I'm the world's biggest pussy when it comes to horror films and to my dismay, I'm constantly forced into watching them. What I wish to complain about though, the part that gets me every time, is reflections of ghosts/monsters/fucking anything remotely scary in windows, mirrors, etc, for fuck sake! Just last week my friends decided to have a horror film night (yaaaay!), this cliché was used in every movie about 10 times and when I got home, I was bursting for a piss. I got upstairs, climbed into bed and refused until daylight to go and piss just for the sheer horror of seeing something behind me in the mirror in the bathroom, terrifying!
17. Spongebob Squarepants Conspiracy.
It has recently come to my attention that the lovely children's cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants is in fact, a tampon. It's all starting to make perfect sense now! I never noticed all the little clues within the show until just recently, firstly he's absorbent and rather proud of the fact, secondly he LIVES IN BIKINI BOTTOM!!! Come on people, open your eyes! He's a tampon! To further help my claims, his best friend is pink, his neighbour (Squidward) is an asshole, he works for Mr. Crabs and he loves Sandy Cheeks! They've been fucking around with our minds all this time and it's NOW the world should know the truth! It's no wonder our generation are a bunch of retarded perverts when we've spent our childhoods watching Spongebob, Disney movies and Captain Pugwash, starring such nautical named characters as "Seaman Stains" and "Roger The Cabin Boy"! The moral of the story is, cartoons will turn you into a sex pest.
18. Don't fuck around in Muslim countries, you might not be as lucky as me!
Seriously, I know this blog and it's predessesor have been nothing but piss taking, but there's always a lesson guys! Take this one to heart... When you're in a Muslim country, for the sake of retaining your visa and being able to get back home, mind what you fucking do! Twice I was nearly arrested and sentenced to being stoned, and not in the good way! On thinking back, I'm genuinely in disbelief that I was lucky enough to escape. Firstly, remember to think before you speak... Especially when you're in a VERY big and crowded market when an empty water bottle falls beside you and you decide to jokingly shout "BOMB!"... Not a good call at all! And if you end up romantically involved with somebody on holidays in a Muslim country, trust me, there are MUCH better places to be sitting mauling the face off each other than outside a mosque... During Muslim mass... Also, try to avoid silly little things like drunkenly pointing a steak knife at every random local that passes you, remember this advice people, PLEASE! Stay safe!
19. Real life Harry Potter
Right, the Harry Potter series is 14 years old now so I doubt anyone under that age would share the boy wizard's name, but come on, it's not that unusual a name so there is bound to be quite a few people who are actually named Harry Potter! And if there is, well, you have to feel for them! Imagine how hard it would be for their friends to find them on Facebook! And of course you'd always have the little faggy kids adding you when they randomly stumble across your page simply because of your name AND you'll get the aggressive people who will claim that you're a fake etc. Although it could work pretty well for picking up women though, "Let me introduce you to my magic wand" kinda stuff like! Be on their knees in an instant so they would!
20. Armchair Republicanism is fucking retarded.
On a bit of a more serious note, are all these uneducated IRA supporters really just that stupid? Or am I just experiencing the biggest spoof in the country? You'll find all these gold chain and chunky ring clad idiots exclaiming their hatred for the English (for reasons long dead), shouting "Tiochfidh ar lá!" (Often the only phrase of their native language they actually know) and what do they actually know about history? Nothing! Moronic idiots who hate everything British but still wear their Man United and Liverpool jerseys and will fight to the death to defend those football teams! One other common occurrence I find amongst them is the "Only God can judge me" tattoos... And you really think he'll judge you well? Spastic haaaaaaaaaaaawk!
